My train of thought, caught a train out of town
It's been so long since I've sat down and done anything productive, anytime I've thought about recording for the podcast I've just been overwhelmed with how unsafe and unfortunate our music scene is for women right now, all of the racial injustice going on, the lack of motivation to put anything positive out into the world while it's burning, and just overall a sense of "it's 6 months into the pandemic and I haven't done anything, why bother caring about doing anything now?" Eventually, I will find it in me to sit down and give everyone something new, but for now, I figured I would sit down and write about something I've been thinking about a lot lately and wanted a space to share those thoughts without making my Twitter followers hate my existence, plus I'm trying to distract myself from the looming tornado warning in Nashville right now.
A lot of you reading this, if anyone is reading this for that matter, know my favorite band, or at least one of them, is Touche Amore. I remember the first time I sat down and paid attention to them, which was somewhere around October/November 2010. The first song that caught my attention was "History Reshits Itself" and for some reason since then, I have had a deep love for this band I still don't quite understand. The first time I saw them was the summer of 2011, without going into detail, that show was incredibly traumatic but also solidified my love for this band.
Why is any of this important? what's my point here? well, I'll tell you. September 6th, 2012 Touche released a split with the Casket Lottery, 2 tracks by each band. Touche did a cover of "Unsatisfied" by The Replacements, but, they also had a new original song called "Whale Belly". The one thing I don't remember is the first time I heard it, but, I can tell you the song has had the same impact on me 8 years later. I've thought about for awhile now, a lot more lately, why I love this song so much, and why I feel it is one of if not Touche's best song, which is a loaded thing to say because they have a very impressive catalog and this song was just a random b-side off a split. Here is why I believe this song should be held to a higher standard and why it also means a great deal to me.
First of all, the artwork. Now, around the time this split came out, Tumblr was at a peak, I was very much on it and used that to spew all my bullshit before I had this website and podcast to do that with. Around this time, La Dispute and their iconic flower logo were at the center of the "indie" side of Tumblr. "Such Small Hands" was everywhere on the website, it was impossible to escape, and for good reason, La Dispute is an unmatched band who is so complex and special I could go on, but, that's not what I'm writing about here. My point is, Tumblr had bands like La Dispute, Br*nd N*w, and bands alike, and somewhere in there was Touche Amore. All of these bands to me seemed like "girl bands" and what I mean by that is, somehow these bands were very palatable to girls and women despite very much being heavy and violent. "that's a stupid and shitty thing to say Sam, women can like whatever they want, music doesn't have a gender" and that's also true, and I 100% agree with it, however, when I was growing up, hardcore and post-hardcore seemed very male dominated, and still is in my opinion. I grew up in New York, the NYCHC scene was rampant with men, I didn't grow up seeing hardcore as a space for women, and every day that passes seems music in general isn't a safe space for them, and maybe I just went to the wrong shows, maybe I'm over exaggerating, either way, that was my experience as a teenager in the "scene", and now you have bands like La Dispute and Touche Amore, bands that somehow made music that shifted this domination of white men and I saw more and more girls and women show love for these bands. To this day, in 2020, I have seen more women or women presenting individuals at the front at shows for these bands. The last time I saw Touche which was right before the shut down of everything, the entire first row were people who looked like me. It was the first time I felt safe at the front of a hardcore show, it was the first time I felt part of the crowd with this scene, screaming along to every song with people I wasn't afraid of, just losing myself in something I spent a decade longing for.
I'm sure you're sitting there saying "what does this have to do with the artwork? why do you take so long to get to the point" and I promise it all makes sense and is relevant, hang in there with me. So, the artwork, the artwork is white with pink, grey, and creme flowers. Now, I don't have synesthesia, but, whenever I hear the song, it looks like flowers to me, it feels violent and feminine, which is very important to me. Growing up, I wanted to be just like my older brother. I had 1 friend from kindergarten to high school that I spent most of my time with, she was into heavy metal, rollar-blading and video games, she defied femininity, mixed with us discovering Avril Lavigne, I felt as if femininity wasn't something I would find myself in. I was deemed ugly by all the boys I grew up with, my friend I just mentioned, although we were told out whole childhood we looked like twins, was the pretty one who everyone lusted after, it became toxic growing up because I put my own value on how much attention she got versus how much I did, it made me lean harder into not wanting to be seen as feminine, what was the point? my brother was cool in my eyes growing up, why can't I just be like him instead?
"Sam, you're losing me, what does childhood trauma have to do with artwork, you're killing me here" okay okay here we go: it wasn't until I reached my twenties where I started to give a shit about femininity. I didn't want to be my teenage self anymore, but I also I loved music that was heavy, I loved the sense of violence in some of the bands I was listening to, but growing up, I at least was shown that women shouldn't and couldn't be violent, so I was still in a weird purgatory of a lot of shit. Now, here comes this split. This song in my opinion is the most violent Touche Amore song (I'll get there) and yet the artwork is beautiful. It's beautifully adorned with muted toned flowers, it's simple, but yet the songs on it are the opposite. I didn't come to this realization until a lot later, but, this split and this song helped me realize that violent things can be beautiful.
So, that's a long winded explanation nobody asked for about the artwork, now let's move on to the song itself. I'll start with talking about why I feel it's so violent.
Ryan Mckenney of Trap Them playing with two broken feet
I saw Trap Them (R.I.P) for the first time in 2013, I was enamored with Ryan Mckenney (singer) I had seen them play at least 8 times before they broke up, and it wasn't until later on when I realized what was going on. Ryan would always end up bloody during the show, always. Every time I saw them he had a black eye, what appeared to be a broken nose, or the time he broke both his feet jumping off an amp 2 minutes into a 45 minute set at "Bloodshed Fest" and by the time I saw him he was on knee pads crawling around the stage screaming his lungs out, and also one time he was in a straight up office chair the entire set (see photo above). in 2017, he said something that really stuck with me. He said in an interview: "aggressive music like this should be played in a violent way" Two months later when asked about the way he performs he said: "I like being off the grid and somewhat invisible. But, I’ve always wanted the art that I make to be violent, damaged and void of design. When we play a set, the only place I go to, mentally or physically, is the stage. I flush out my better judgment and let whatever happens happen." By now, you're wondering what Trap Them has to do with "Whale Belly" other than Jeremy (Bolm, singer of Touche Amore) being in a band (Hesitation Wounds) with ex members from Trap Them, but I promise there's correlation.
Touche Amore has always had heart in their music, their lyrics have always had weight, their first record "to the beat of a dead horse" was one of the most critically acclaimed hardcore records, and still probably is, why would I say a song off a split was more ernest than something off that? I'll tell you. "Whale Belly" is special in a lot of ways, one of those ways is the way the song was mixed. I've been a fan for over a decade, they have been my most played band on streaming 3 years in a row, and I can confidently say, no song sounds like this. The way it was mixed makes it sound as if Jeremy is fighting to be heard, almost as if he's drowning or being drowned out for that matter. The music is louder than his vocals, it sounds like a constant battle for him to be heard over it and his screams prove it.
Jeremy has shown us plenty of times his ability to hold his screams, I mean, fuck, I have attempted to cover "Green" and when I get to the end where he just lets go I can't even do it, it's impressive as hell given the band has been non stop touring since 2010 and he still sounds as strong and powerful as the "dead horse" days. However, there is a certain call for alarm and urgency in the way he does these vocals, paired with the constant drops in the song that really bring you to your knees, almost the way Jordan (Dreyer, Singer of La Dispute) cries out "Can I still get into heaven if I kill myself? / Can I still get in or will they send me to hell?" in "King Park", the way the lines in "Whale Belly" are delivered accompanied with the impressive drumming and abrupt guitar cut offs, it makes the song demand attention.
So, now we touched on the artwork, and sound, what about the lyrics? now again, I love a lot of songs by Touche, however, these lyrics paired with the way they are cried out pulls at a part of my heart that no other song in their catalog does.
"Lead the way, show me how
Get me excited for something new somehow
Or at least point me in the right direction"
at the time I heard this song, I was 18, I had been in a relationship for a year at this point that would later prove to be incredibly toxic and traumatizing among a lot of other things, he was 6 years older than me and introduced me to a lot of things I still love to this day, Touche being on of them, and at the time, I was so young and didn't know anything, I needed direction, everything was new, I was no longer a kid, I was now an adult with a serious boyfriend and I didn't know shit, and his patience was thin. The way Jeremy delivers this opening line sounds as if he is also longing for someone to show him a different way than what he knew and needed guidance.
"My train of thought caught a train out of town And when I caught up to it, I saw no sign of slowing down And to my surprise there's a coin on the track It's forever the smallest things that create the most impact Sometimes I just can't handle myself"
These are my favorite set of lyrics that over time continue to take on new meanings for me. The cries of "My train of thought.." demands the listener to pay attention because there is a new revelation being discovered, it's almost painful to think nobody is listening and it's delivered as an alarm, it's like "HEY. I WAS TALKING. THIS IS ABOUT ME NOW." These set of lyrics are a tangled web of optimism and pessimism, your mind is racing and you have finally caught up to it, hoping that you're freshly inspired and you will be productive and creative, but to your surprise, it comes to a screeching halt. When I think about this line, that's how I feel it relates to my own life. My mind races, thoughts are going 100 MPH at all times, I feel as if I'm always running to catch up only to be disappointed with my inability to make my plans reality.
"This I know, from what I've learned This I know, from what I've learned" "Old habits learn new tricks, but deliver the same results New towns, let downs add another notch on my belt"
The line "Old habits learn new tricks, but deliver the same results" is something that has stuck with me since I first heard this song. Masking bad habits in new packaging but not being surprised the end result doesn't change. I think as people, we all attempt to see the good in everyone, whether we want to or not. You'll hear "people never change" or "people change" depending on the situation and the person you ask, I'm one of those people that believe when it comes to 80% of things, people in fact, do not change. When it comes to relationships and friendships, I get blinded a lot and want to believe the bullshit I tell myself, but in fact, it's just the same old habits taking on a different shape, and the end result is always the same.
This isn't helping a thing at all I've seen that look before, I know it all too well This is my cross to bear, this is my living hell Hello repercussions, I know you all too well This is my cross to bear, I am a living hell
the last few lines of the song pack a punch, it's that sense of defeat, of knowing you fucked up, it's the fact you know you have to live with a mistake that possibly hurt someone and this isn't a surprise. It's being upset with yourself, it's feeling like a fuck up and believing you are destined to stay that way. And honestly? who hasn't felt this way? maybe this wasn't what the lyrics meant, but I sure as hell take them to be that way. With all the things in my life I felt I fucked up and knew right away I would be thinking about it for years to come, I do constantly feel I am my own living hell most days.
There's probably more reasons as to why I love this song, but for now, I think I've said enough to get the point across. Music has been one of the only constants I can rely on in my life and things like this song have gotten me to hold myself together in times of wanting to rip myself apart. I can't wait for Touche to put out their new record (Lament, out October 9th) and I can't wait to come back to the world of podcasting and find a place in the creative space again.